falling in love with "mr. mom"

a long time ago, which isn't really all that long ago, i met my husband at an old folks home. he was broody and quiet and i remember thinking how dreamy he was for being so mysterious (it was probably gas). as we dated and time passed, there were moments i thought my heart was full, that i was so in love with this genuine and good man.

i had no idea that my heart would explode with the love i have for him as my daughter's father. i feel like the grinch when his heart grows on christmas, except my heart was pretty big to begin with

i knew my husband would be an amazing father from the get go.  everyone knew this, and my whole pregnancy everyone has told me this. he has been in love with serafina since before she was born, even before that. there are some people who just radiate kindness and a pure heart towards children, and my husband is one of them. kids kinda just gravitate toward him, and it's always been sweet for me to watch him. he's also a big kid disguised as a 27 year old, so there's that too.

nothing prepared me for how i would feel seeing my husband take care of OUR child. since day one with serafina, he has been completly hands on. i remember being so bummed when he went back to work after paternity leave because i was loving sleeping in. he would wake up in the middle of the night, feed and change her, rock her back to sleep while he let me sleep. he let me rest and recover without a single complaint, and even now after two months, he lets me sleep in on weekends and takes her in the morning. watching him parent is the most amazing thing, and i'm not saying it lightly.

he pushes the stroller with pride, asks questions at the appointments, picks out the outfits. more times than not, i wake up on the weekends and there they are, cuddled on the couch and he has breakfast waiting for me. i sometimes get upset because i feel like he doesn't let me do enough , but you can see the joy he gets from his daughter, taking care of her. it's not just enough for him to work a job he doesn't always like, to be a father in the sense he just works and makes the money. he has to be 100% hands on in her life, cherishing each moment with me and her. being a dad isn't just a paycheck he provides, it's the love he showers our daughter with. 

i fall in love more and more everyday watching him with her. 2010 can have dark and mysterious dane, but 2013 dane is all about daddy dane, and i am so, so in love with that man. 

he does all of this happily, and on no sleep most nights, and with a stressful job to boot. he does so much for serafina and myself. i couldn't ask for a better dad for my baby, or a better partner in life. so here's to the love of my life, to the prince in serafina's. we love you, always.

the night before you are due

my serafina

that's weird to think about- you are mine. you are my daughter, and i am your momma. now and forever, we will be each others, and dad's too i suppose.

speaking of your dad, he's snoring right here next to me. he's pretty good at being able to sleep. me, not so much. i have a million you related things on my mind right now. but we'll let him sleep, might as well. he is good, you'll like him. he tries hard. that's what we want you to do- always try your hardest.

this time last year, i was a bundle of nerves too, but for different reasons- i was about to marry your dad. it was a whirlwind, i hardly remember most of that day, but i remember jumping on the bed at the hotel with him, screaming we're married! and that is what life is about little daughter- the little things, the silly things. luckily you are being born into a family who cherishes both of those.

marrying your dad is one of the highlights of my life. he is one of my favorite people on this earth. there is no one who makes me laugh like your dad, except for maybe my own dad, your nannu. but your dad is a good guy, a goofy guy. he is my guy, and he'll be yours too- you're never allowed to get married, we both decided. you'll never meet a man good enough for you (so says dad). but he has so much love for you, he has loved you before you were even a heartbeat in my belly. he only wants the world for you, and he does  and will do everything in his power to give it to you.

but then you have all your grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins back home- so many people who are all waiting to meet you. these are the people who won't see you for a long time, but it amazes me at how much they've all done for you already, how they are already planning their lives around you. you are a celebrity, truly. and spoiled.  but you are the first born granddaughter, great granddaughter on some sides, first niece. you are special.

but right now it's you and i. it's been you and i for a long time now. i dont remember not having you in my belly. i mean, i do, but this has been such a constant feeling, connection, that i know it will be surreal when you are in my arms. i have done my best to grow you to a healthy little girl, now the real growing begins. you as a person, me as a mother. i hope you know i love you, uncondtionally. i tell you all the time, who knows if you hear me, i think you do. but i love you. you are my angel, my little seraphim. the best surprise i've gotten has been you. i cannot wait to cover you in kisses and just be blown away by how perfect you are. to hold you in my arms and to take tons of pictures. you are momma's dream.

always, forever, i love you

momma.

every girl deserves a nanna like you

I woke up this morning and after I fed the ravenous beast we call our cat, I logged into Facebook- and this picture popped up. I guess pregnancy hormones combined with my baby shower today are really making me miss you.

For anyone who doesn't know, the woman pictured above is my Nanna. The girl squealing in her lap is me, probably 15 years ago maybe.

I was 16 when she passed away. Up until that point, I figured she was invincible.  People say that about their parents- which I don't doubt mine are- but I always had that thought about her too. My Nanna was just always there. And then she wasn't. I had a hard, hard time dealing with her passing. Milestone events came and passed and I knew she wouldn't be there, but I looked anyway. I remember looking for both her and my husband (who was in basic at the time) in the crowd, knowing that no miracle could bring her to me that day.

But dwelling on all of this isn't what she would have wanted. My Nanna was a fun, generous and all around amazing human being. She had a way of lighting up a room and bringing you in with her. That smile on her face, the way she smiled around me and my brother, was so genuine and beautiful. I know for a fact she would have smiled just like at my graduations, wedding, and news of her first great granddaughter.

Serafina is blessed, so blessed. She isn't here and already has grandparents AND great grandparents who love her. Each one of these special people in her life will be just as amazing to her as my Nanna was to me. Maybe that's a gift from my Nanna- blessing my daughter with all this love, having all these amazing people in her life who will help shape her into a good person. I know as I become a mom, she will be right by my side, in all the memories we shared together. I was blessed to have her in my life as long as I did, but even more blessed to take away the things I learned with her. Love you always.

germany 101

                                  ignoring the blood of his brother's on the butcher's smock, pig has a beer.

i realized earlier this morning i've lived here in germany for almost five months. it's weird, most of the time i forget i'm in germany. it kinda just feels like up north with thick accents. but i thought i'd make a post with all the fun differences in germany.

• there are no such things as a walmart. yes, there are stores similar to walmart, but there is no walmart. this might seem stupid, but believe me- when you are trying to shop on the cheap, you grow to miss walmart and the dysfunctional people who frequent it.
• everything closes on sunday. sunday is a day of rest. germans take this seriously, so i hope you bought TP the day before because you're SOL on sunday. everything usually closes earlier during the week too, so that's different
• bakeries everywhhhhhhhhhhere. pasteries everyyyyyyyywhere. GELATO EVERYWHERE. it's not a bad trade off for the no walmart deal.
• music is stuck in a weird twilight zone of the eighties/seventies, plus it's in german so it's really strange. it does provide a good laugh every now and then.
• you gotta pay to pee! public restrooms are not free. it can be anywhere from .50 to 1 euro to pee. sometimes you get the euro back, sometimes not. you also have to pay for shopping carts a lot of the time.
• festivals are all the time. these involve brats, crepes, and more yum yums
• autobahn isn't as scary as people make it out to be- as long as you realize grandma will pass you. grandma is not afraid to push it to the limit.
• i'm not sure when kids actually go to school at the german schools here. i've been out in the economy during the afternoon and kids are out of school, off busses by noon...i have no idea. maybe it's a german thing
• you end up chalking up a lot of things to it being "a german thing"

all in all, it's not too bad. the best part of all of this is that i get to experience it with my best friend, my husband. the best partner in crime i could ask for, it's an adventure always with my other half.

ohana means family!

At the end of this week, my tiny daughter human bean face will be 20 weeks old. and if you know basic math and the basic gestation period of a human, you'd realize that i will be halfway through my pregnancy. excuse me while i scream in excitement. don't get me wrong- i love growing my daughter because the eventual outcome will be her in my arms and my life. BUT i cannot deal with the joys of pregnancy. bloat, constipation, mood swings (this is Dane's favorite.), aversion towards foods (another of his favorites...i make dinner time a real event), all that "joy" can kindly make it's way to my ass and kiss it. However, I have a half cooked daughter, and now I am starting to becoming anxious about her arrival.

i feel like a kid on christmas a lot of the time. there is SO much i want to show her, share with her, do with her.  everytime i go on pintrest, i find tons of projects i want to craft with her, to make for her. i want her to be comfortable being covered in paint, to enjoy sticky fingers and to always create.

i want her to know the rainbow goblins like my husband, and to meet the weird parents like i did (she's going to end up with them, anyway- at least her mother will be ;)). i will show her david the gnome like my grandparents let me watch, and definitely let her watch shelley duvall's bedtime stories. yes, i am planning on let my daughter watch TV, and i'm sorry if you think it's bad for her. she won't be parked in front of it all day, but she can learn to enjoy different programs (that apparently are all from the nineties...only decade worth a damn to me.)

i know her dad will teach her how to be comfortable with the outdoors, to learn to respect and love nature. we will both teach her that Tolkien is a apart of her family, and he needs to be treated with love and respect, too. As for Tolkien, i hope he just deals with her being here and doesn't give more care than that. i'm not asking for them to be bff, but just to live with each other.

anyway, before this gets too long- i want her to know she is being born into a wonderful, amazing, crazy full of love family that isn't just me, Dane and Tolkien- it's great grandparents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, godparents. even if everything else I want for her is lame in her eyes, i hope she knows how magical her life will be, just because of all the love that fills it.

and that's all for now...t-minus 20 months weeks till the birth of my little girl- and the end of pregnancy!

oh my life is changing every day, in every possible way.

                                                                you're a dream to me, a dream to me.

 in less than a year i went from student to wife to now mom to be. the universe thought it'd be okay for me to be in charge of growing a person, bringing it into the world, and raising it. if that isn't a leap of faith, i don't know what is. so i'm going to run with it, and be the best momma i can be.

i have no idea what it's like to be a mother, but i do know what it's like to be a girl growing up. things aren't easy for girls, estrogen makes the world a little harder and by default girls are just not a nicer sex. don't deny it, we all have those shitty catty woman moments. none the less, i want my daughter to know this:

my serafina luna grace (sorry about the obnoxiously long name, that's just how we do it here at the schliefs.)

no matter what, i will always, always love you. that goes for your father, too. i will encourage you to be whatever your heart decides, even if it means being a mermaid. we'll figure it out. if you decide to be a circus performer or the scientist with the cure for cancer, i don't care- as long as you do it 100% and go home feeling good about yourself.  nothing will change that, from the moment i found out you were taking residence in my uterus, i have been filled with nothing but love for you.

don't worry about living up to standards- your dad and i have one- be a good human being. do that, and the rest will come.  if you want to play with dolls or cars, i don't care. i want you to grow into you as a person, not as who society thinks you should be. if you want to being a superhero or a princess, do it to your hearts content. don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and if they do, send them my way.

as your mother, i will do my best to give you the world, and remember, not all the time i'll be able to. but when i can, i'll go all out for you. i am already planning trips, birthday parties and holidays for you in my head, there is so much i want to share with you, baby girl.

don't let other people get to you. i know it's easier said than done, i've been the girl who's been picked on. i know you'll come home to me one day in tears because someone's hurt you, made fun of you. and i will pick you up in my arms and do whatever it takes to show you otherwise. and i'll also hold back all the mean things i want to say to the kids at school. you will be beautiful, inside and out, i know this because you are OURS.

your dad and i don't make sense a lot of time, but we have a good time doing it. go with the flow and it'll be more fun that way. laugh with us, sing with us, dance with us. we love each other so much, we want you to see that daily, to know what love is in a happy home. you may not agree with us all the time, but we have both promised to do the best by you, and make it a priority in both our lives as your parents.

and not least, know that we love you more than anything. our first child, our first daughter- you are special, and you will come into this world with two parents overflowing with love for you. and not to mention, you have so many grandparents, great grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, godparents and friends who you've already made a place in their hearts, and have fallen for you just like dad and i. we can't wait to meet you, baby girl. you have a lifetime of love to look forward to.

and remember, i am always loving you.
momma.

Know you're not alone; cause I'm gonna make this place your home.

there isn't a song on the radio right now, German or American that explains life for me better than Home by Phillip Phillips. Seriously, check that out.

So by now I think everyone's realized i made it to Germany and am finally reunited with Dane. It wasn't a long flight by any means and honestly I shouldn't have been as worried as I was over everything- but that's how I am: constantly paranoid. ANYWAY-

This is wonderful. My apartment is gorgeous. Dane really, really did well. And he deserves SO much credit. He was able to do all of this, give me all of this as a husband does for a wife, and do so much more. A lot of the times I had doubt in him because well, if you met him or know him you know details are not his strong suit.

not anymore. He's done amazing. He got this apartment, he is getting our car this week and obviously set up a phone line and Internet for us. My husband is seriously the best I could ask for.

As for Germany: this place is where fairy tales come from. Literally. It's gorgeous. Dane says it reminds him of northern Michigan. We live in the country so pretty much everything is like the sound of music here.

Shall I continue or is your jealousy just eating away at you?

Hahah. It's really nice though. We have been out a handful of times since I got here and everything is so similar yet so very different. Baked goods are everywhere and out of this world. Chocolate is something else too- I got so excited over my first Kinderegg !

There's so much more to write for you all but I'm writing from my iPad right now and I'd rather show you- so expect
pictures soon.

I love you, I miss you, and until I write again-
mrs s.